Hello.
It’s been a strange month. I haven’t exactly been all here. By that I mean the light in the attic hasn’t been on very much. It’s been rough… but hey, I’m still here. Now, I have had some good days.
Good news. Found out two days ago the insurance finally mailed my check for the last 3 months they’ve been fuckity-fuck-fucking me around. So, I’m breathing a sigh of relief. Got more meds just last night and see the therapist next week. Also, I’ve obtained a lawyer’s appointment tomorrow to fight the federal disability case because, of course, as always, they deny on the first time. I hope this is all finally coming together. 6 months of hell on the insurance and 9 months of hell on the disability will drive a person insane.. more insane, that is.
I had a really hard time deciding if I should appeal my disability case or not. The thing is, I didn’t want to make it easier for me not to get better. But then I realized that there is no easier or harder. It’s not that I don’t want to be better and feel better, it’s just that I can’t do it on my own and my whole life is going to be filled with the ups and downs and brilliantly wells and tragically sicks forever. After a while you have to switch meds around. I’ve found that one day off my meds causes a suicidal spiral of depression mixed with an inability to sleep, eat or function. I need this help to fall back on, I need it there to insure I’m taken care of while I make my journey into a healthy, bright future, and into my healthy, bright self again.
The ex has still been coming around, more and more, just wanting to spend time with me, as well. I don’t take this to be anything more than it is, though, considering that I know it is nothing more than it is.
I think my brother’s coworker wants to date me, so, when he calls (he got my number from my brother), I will go, as nervous as it makes me. I like him, he’s funny, he’s intelligent, he likes to get fuckered up from time to time and he is nice to look at. He is responsible, holds his job and takes care of himself. No reason not to go right?
Hey! I babysat one of my best friend’s kids when she moved! I was proud of myself, and he loves me, the cute little guy =) He remembers my name and my face now. Wow, he is growing up fast!
My best friend, Teri, is coming up with her newborn like… tomorrow she’ll be here for her brother’s wedding! Sooooo excited!
Anyways, I’ve been playing Second Life a lot. It’s pretty fun. I even have a job on there, which I hate, but no pressure to work anytime I don’t feel that I can, which is most of the time.. hahaha! But I take the stress on a little bit at a time. I have to pay weekly rent for a room there (by choice) so I’m hoping a little at a time, I can get used to the concept of taking care of myself. It’s worth a shot, anyways. My biggest goal is experiencing a realistic pregnancy on there.
So… there’s my update. I forgot this blog even existed this whole month. That’s how fucked up my crazy little head is! I’ll try not to forget and write again soon. Mwah!
So, once again… everything sucks. History repeats itself. I’m out of my meds so bring on the uncontrollable crying that makes my eyes swell and my nose bleed. Weeeeee! Insurance stillllll fucking me around. Think I need a lawyer. Perhaps need a good poisoning even more so. I see no point in all this. It’s absolutely pointless.
Did I have a good holiday? I guess.. maybe.. and not so much all at once. 2 days into the new year here and it’s already shitty. But does it really matter what year it is? The only thing that changes is my tolerance for this bullshit and I’m about used the fuck up. Smoking too much but it hasn’t killed me yet. Nor have I failed to wake up from sleeping. This isn’t working out. Ready to disappear. VERY ready.
Hiyas!
So…. Been doing well… feel a bit drunk and slurry from my meds right now… just a quick catch up…
These meds seem to be helping a lot… and the ex.. coming around a bit more.. as in more consistently and closer together.. and actually hanging out, staying the night, like watching movies…giving messages.. apologizing for his distance (wow… first time I’ve ever had an apology from him), at which point I apologized for pushing him away and being an addict. It was great… it feels as if we are both feeling it out.. seeing if we can do a relationship again. Don’t worry.. not feeling the least bit compulsive or over-excited OR *drumroll* even anxious. Woohoo! This feels great! Normalcy is coursing through my veins! lol The more I don’t give a shit or believe anything before I see it or give a part of myself before he does the more he cares. It really does work! It feels so good to only need myself!
Also, some of my family comes in tomorrow for Christmas so I’m excited about that. Yays!
Guess what… STILL haven’t received my check. WTF right?!?!?! It feels like they are deliberately delaying things at this point. It is FUCKING ridiculous. *sighs* I’m calling them on it tomorrow. I won’t even be able to do Christmas presents… GRRRR!
I feel so sane. Maybe I’ll learn to love myself soon! I haven’t been to another bipolar meet but I’d like to!
I’ve felt excited yet scared about school lately.. but still.. got school on the brain again.. it’s a good thing. =)
Hahahaha my head is jiggling like jello.. time for bed. Goodnight!
Okay so… I haven’t written much recently. I ended up having to wait for my prescriptions refill so I had a little low point there but it’s all good now. I’m writing kind of early so I figure I’ll go another later tonight.. maybe… I do have more to talk about in relation to my last post so… Anyways, I’m feeling pretty happy and I have a list of things to do around here. Wash my bedding, wash my laundry, take a shower, pick up in here a little, write my budget list down.. and I think that’s it. Shouldn’t take too long, been doing a good job of keeping the room looking decent. Oh yeah, and dishes.. only a few to do though. Okay so this is boring to read.
I’m gonna have to put off getting the car fixed until probably January now. Gotta give mom as much money as possible to help catch up stuff… I owe 2 months rent so it should help a lot. Then, as long as they get the check for December in quickly, I should be able to christmas shop and I’m hoping I have enough left over to start on the car, but I somehow doubt it. I DO need a cell phone again. It’ll be great, woot!
I need more coffee.
Okay, I suppose that I’m gonna go watch some episodes of Metalacolypse while I start on the laundry now. That show always helps while I have to do something I don’t feel like doing lol.
Laters!
Hello again! Well.. I’m feeling pretty leveled out last couple of days so that’s good! I’ve been feeling pretty brilliant actually. I got a few things worrying me though. So, let’s start with that.
First of all… this worrying about being pregnant is not over (worried face). I have taken several tests over the past 3 months. They keep saying negative but I keep missing my period. So.. 3 months, no period… hmmm. What sucks is most of the symptoms are shit you go through just being depressed even. So it’s a hard one to call. I am just going to have to suck it up and go to the doctor for a blood test and find out what’s going on in there…. *sigh* I think if I am I would just have to abort it as much as I am against it.. I really hope I’m not because I would hate myself forever for it.. but what else am I going to do? The father is a silent fucking asshole and states away! I don’t even have an income right now. This sucks ass.
On to my second worry… I think the night before last I had a seizure while I was in bed eating. It was strange… because I was conscious and aware but I was experiencing seconds of paralysis and it happened over and over and over for at least 30 minutes and in between these paralyzed moments I just HAD to keep flexing my legs back and forth.. on purpose though. Then I suddenly woke up and it was the next morning. I did some research with google (of course.. it’s how I am!) and found there are several types of seizures you can be conscious through with purposeful moment like that and there’s even one that described the repetitive thing until you finally have one that knocks you unconscious. Very scary! So.. definately a doctor’s appointment is in order.
So now on to some good stuff. Yay! So last night I got more ex-sex (twice =P) and I helped him write a paper which took hours of us hanging out here. It was fun =)
Anyways… it’s pretty early in the evening at this point but I felt it might be good to get some of this out on text. That’s all for now!
Okay… so… yesterday was Thanksgiving… which was, of course, another failing attempt at me being normal. Maybe not. But it apparently warranted a few bitchy ass words from my cousin who seems to be sitting on a high horse these days and rarely passes up a chance to talk shit to me or about me anymore. It just makes me want to say.. alright so I’m a depressed drunk but you seem to forget you used to be a drunk whore. I’m glad she’s all married now and making good money and they have a wonderful awesome loft overlooking the city… but fuck you! Anyone that measures worth by money or success is an asshole. Sorry, it’s true! Maybe I’ll just start barking at her when she does that like they do in that movie Girl, Interrupted.
I have been lonely and depressed as fuck today. I woke up first in the morning with a horrible migrane headache so I went back to sleep and kept doing that until about 2pm. Migrane was still there but I decided to lay in bed for hours and watch 3 movies. 2 were bad choices which I think must be inevitable with Lifetime movies but the first one I watched was pretty good.
One of my friends called to express her utter misery in her current situation and another called to let me know she’s pregnant again.
.
Now I’m having me a whooooole bottle of wine and lots of smokes. And I’m chatting with an old friend who I’ve missed very much! And it would seem I’m still on the Radiohead kick. Hmmmmmm
I still haven’t been laid for a while. That sucks in a major way. But that’s okay. I’ll be patient. My time will come! That actually sounds pretty fucking optimistic so don’t let it fool you. I’m way pessimistic tonight. And I’m gonna drink this shit off!
Hi hi…. it’s another Radiohead day it seems… I’m not really so far down but I’m definately not up either. It feels like I could cry but that I’m not going to right away. I am feeling a little lost today. I managed to clean the kitchen and my bedroom (including putting the laundry up.. what a miracle). I still need to vaccuum in here but I might save that for tomorrow and just vaccuum all the floors.. I don’t know…
I’ve had like 6 cups of coffee since I got up like…. 5 hours ago. I need to wash my hair but I’m not doing it tonight.. I will do it tomorrow.. I will just take a full on shower and get all cleaned up after I vaccuum and stuff.
I did get some good news today.. the cost to repair my car at this one place was estimated at $1500… it might go to like $1700 with airbags but he did say the parts were only like $300-$400 and if I can pay that up front they will fix it and let me make payments on the labor. Yay! And the cost even includes cosmetics to the car so it will look almost like it was never in an accident yay!
But that’s about all the excitement I’ve gotten out of that. I fucking hate winter – it sure can bring my mood down. Everything is just dead and I feel dead with it.
Well… I haven’t written in a couple of days.. sorry but not really.
Anyways, I woke up like an hour ago from accidentally falling asleep before taking my seroquel. Well I took it an hour ago and obviously I’m still awake. I just took a muscle relaxer as well and may have to smoke a bit to get back to sleep. Dammit, I was trying very hard to sleep and wake up at a decent time since I slept 14 hours last night and didn’t get up until 3pm.
Anyways, not got a lot to say I don’t think…
Just in case I haven’t said it, my relationship with boyfriend is officially over. He was quite a twat about it. I actually feel better now he’s gone but I hate that I lost a friend of 9 years. I hate that I didn’t matter enough he could just do a 180 like that and be like “seeya”. I guess it just wears on my self esteem. How come they always choose the route of ignoring me for a while before they have the balls to say it’s over. I really really really fucking hate that. You can’t get anymore disrespectful than to ignore someone like they’re a piece of shit or like their presence doesn’t matter fuck all.
So what else….? Oh yeah I’m going to try to attend the Bipolar group again tomorrow. Looks like it starts at 5:30pm instead of 6pm. Gonna suck even worse, the traffic. And I did note that I didn’t have any money to bring anything since they are doing a food thing.
I actually did my hair and makeup today. It was good to act like my hygiene matters to me right now. I know, that sounds ridiculous. Try to be bipolar for a day, you’ll understand.
Anyways, my friend has come online from a pretty risky valium overdose. I’d been worried about him. I’m going to conversate with him now. Write again soon!
I am soooooo ready to get out of the house!!! So ready! See????
And I’m feeling pretty manic… who knows what the crazy lady will do! I’m wanting for my friend to get here. We are gonna drive around with some music and yays the ganja therapy woot woot. I will write more later. Look I got my hat-hat.
Okay so today had some good and some bad in it.. but even the bad I think are good in the end.
First off, let’s talk about mom. Had a pretty bad fight with mom.. pot had something to do with it and that’s all I’m gonna say. But we made up in the end and I think she realized she was getting ridiculous a little bit now. So that’s good.
Second, let’s talk about boyfriend. So like last week I pretty much broke up with the boyfriend but he never said a fucking word. Today had been longer than 2 weeks now he’s been ignoring me. So I said something to him about it.. he ended up being a dick of course and breaking up with me in a douche bag away. That’s ok… he can be the bad guy. I’ll let him keep his little ego intact and not let him know I had already broken up with him and had slept with my ex lol.
I missed a message from my ex last night he was gonna hit me up for a booty call. Dammit! I accidentally got drunk and passed out in my chair a few hours haha. So I got a message to him today that I wanted a booty call but seeing as it’s 4am I don’t think it’s gonna happen.. but it could! It’s poker night so he might get home late and be up for it.. never know with him…. either way I expect I’ll be getting it tomorrow night lol. Yay for sex without strings.
I didn’t cry when boyfriend broke up with me. I’d already done the crying from being ignored. Now I’m just like.. okay then… need to move on.
I have a hell of a lot of typing to do tomorrow. Eck. I shall perservere! Maybe I’ll try to do the sketch tonight still at least and get it sent for approval. I spent tonight trying to feel better from the damn tremors I’m still getting even though I did forget my meds last night. Oh wells. I visited Jodi for a little bit. It’s was good to have a time to talk to her when she’s not all uptight and in the middle of things.
Anyways, I’m feeling pretty good. I am on Ativan which helped the tremors and my breathing and the anxiety. I think it was good to be able to move on from the boyfriend situation. I kind of just want sex and school. LOL And my own place… I need to work on my identity because I don’t seem to have one even now. Let’s change that, right? I feel content. This is good. I have to be doing the right thing this time. I just don’t even want a relationship. Sex and School = Win
Oh yeah I almost forgot: The test said Negative. Whew.
